THOUGHTS ON POVERTY
Poverty is self-perpetuating through no fault of the impoverished. Poverty = can’t buy things in bulk, so pay a premium for small amounts, can’t pay a fee to join a shopping club, can’t afford transport to cheaper stores. If you had a sharp knife there would be less waste. Refrigerator, ziplock bags, plasticware (if you can afford them) = less waste. Clean water, if you must buy it, is a devastating expense. Day-old bread is great if you can afford the transport. Food banks will give you a few things you need and make you take a dozen things you don’t need = more waste, and you’ll wait in line for hours for it, if you can get there in time. Every container, every bit of plastic or paper – every pencil,- becomes precious. Candles are far too expensive, but worth their weight in gold – if you had the gold. You can grow some of your own food, but only if you have access to dirt, sunlight, water, seed, and you happen to be good at that. If you don’t have access to hot water, then cleaning requires twice the water and twice the soap. You can earn interest on your bank account and get free services, only if you have enough money. You can get low car payments and even lower insurance costs if you have enough money/good credit. But you don’t. Banks offering “free checking” are just mocking you.
Poverty is self-perpetuating through no fault of the impoverished. This person may be smart as a whip, may have a grand education, might have once had a great job, may have been in the armed forces, may have children or parents to care for, may be sleeping on the asphalt behind some bushes. How much can you really expect from them? They may be dirty, hungry, cold, thirsty, lost. You expect them to show up for a job interview? This implies they have enough money to buy a daily newspaper and/or computer with internet access and electricity, that they have enough money for transportation, that they have soap and shampoo, razor, and at least one good suit of clothes. How are they supposed to get all that, when they have to buy single-cup-sized sachets of instant coffee at 30 cents a cup? The imported coffee you buy, grind, and make in your fancy coffee machine costs one tenth that much. But you have to have the fancy machine, a grinder, and buy a pound of beans at a time. You want them to respond to phone inquiries instantly, because for you with a nice phone and unlimited access, such a thing is free. But they’re using the worst, cheapest phone, and may have to go to a phone store and pre-pay a few minutes just to answer a call. How can you hire such a person? Yet they might work harder, be more grateful, and ultimately pay back far more than the effort of hiring them. They’ll certainly be a better employee than the entitled rich kids who are impressing and flattering you.
Poverty is self-perpetuating through no fault of the impoverished. They may be very discouraged, may have given up hoping for anything better, or may be so desperate for any advantage that they’ll do anything. Desperation breeds unplanned crime – they’re so hungry, and you left a bag of delicious groceries sitting there for a minute unattended. Maybe the temptation will be too much. But often the severely downtrodden are just as honest as the rest of us, and will return your dropped wallet to you. What does that say about you? You won’t give them a glance or a chance. There’s an old saying “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” Just a few unexpected hardships could put you digging through the dumpster next to them. The fact that you’re not there doesn’t mean you’re smarter or better-looking, it only means you started out from a position of advantage. You could lose that advantage at any time. Just a few medical bills, loss of your job because the company is re-vamping, maybe some stock losses or a pension or other income someone legislated or frauded away from you, and everything you’re so proud of can be ripped from you, and then you’ll see that poverty is self-perpetuating through no fault of the impoverished.
If you have children, how will you be able to keep them in school? How will you buy paper and other supplies, clothing, meals? How will you afford medical care? If you have a beloved pet, no food bank will give you food for them; they’ll have to live on a share of your limited supply. If they need medical care…….
You’ll find that there are government programs which help the disadvantaged. However, how will you find them, how will you get there, how will you fill out the endless reams of paperwork when you haven’t eaten all day? What address will you give? How will you prove you qualify when you’re dirty from sleeping under a bridge (if you’re lucky enough to find one)? How will they contact you if you’re entitled to help? Where will you sleep until next February when another few hundred housing vouchers become available, which will be taken within a few hours? Can you make it to that office on that day? Poverty is self-perpetuating through no fault of the impoverished.
A Basic Income is the only solution. If everyone can afford to eat and have a modest home, most of these problems disappear. If education is free, the unemployed can usefully retrain, being able to eat meanwhile. Some people worry that if living expenses are paid, no one will work. But how long, really, can someone sit in their not-very-nice home and do nothing? They can’t afford a computer, TV, or game console on this income, may not be able to afford a newspaper. How long do you think most people will stare at the wall? We WANT useful work, we CRAVE purpose, we DEMAND meaning. In Gene Roddenberry’s world, everyone works only at what they love. They rejoice in training for their dream career, without having to worry about holding down that demanding wait-person job when they should be studying. They excel because they have the security that their basic needs will be met. Food and shelter, education, medicine. Do you really think – now think about it – if that was all you had, would you just sit around? Wouldn’t you maybe take a hike, think about what you want to do with your life? Look at a college catalog, try your hand at paper mache, volunteer at an animal shelter? Maybe you’d clean up that empty lot next to your house instead of looking at it all day, and put in some trees. Maybe you’d help your disabled neighbor with their groceries. If you were sure that you were safe, what would you do? If you knew you’d never end up sleeping on the street, your children starving, dependent on begging……how would that change your life? Can you imagine a world where NO ONE had that worry?
Yes please.
Poverty is self-perpetuating through no fault of the impoverished. Let’s end the cycle of income abuse, prejudice, and vicious competition for resources when in truth there’s plenty enough for all. Maybe some industries would die. Maybe single-cup-size instant coffee sachets would disappear; so be it. When every man can look every other man in the eye and not see poverty or failure or viciously-attained success, then we can all just be Mankind, true equals. I predict this will happen; I only hope I live to see it.
WHAT THE HELL? * * * * * * * RATIONALITY VS SCIENCE &RELIGION * * * * * * * CAN ANY USEFUL SENSE BE FOUND, BETWEEN MEMES, BRAMES AND AN INFINITY OF DIMENSIONS AND UNIVERSES ON THE ONE SIDE AND TRANSUBSTANTIATION, SNAKE-HANDLERS AND MESSIAH-ON-A-POTATO-CHIP ON THE OTHER? A RATIONALIST'S POINT OF VIEW...
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
HUMANS: SO EASY TO KILL, SO EASY TO SAVE
Lazy-ass gamer or Olympic star, get hit by a train and we all die the same; blood, bone, guts, and good intentions. But it’s actually easier to kill us than that; just isolate us. Not in prison or anything, nothing like that! Just, in your own home, your friends and family gradually leak away, the joy of living evaporates, your reason, your hope, your love – so easily taken away. With no one to talk to, you stop thinking and shrink; hearing no new ideas, you stew in the old. The carousel begins to run; everything I’ve done is useless, I am worthless, nothing good will ever happen, and NO ONE CARES. You turn to drugs, alcohol, maybe suicide. So sad; anyone could save you at any time, with very little effort, but no one cares. No one sees anything but their own interests; no one sees you crying, no one cares even if they do see. You might chose food instead of drugs; a slower, more punishing death, a prolonging of misery indefinitely. But it’s all the same.
When an isolated person is told that they’re special, that there are others who are also special, and that they can join the group, be important to the group, even become a leader of the group, the desperate need to belong overwhelms sense. It doesn’t matter how smart they are, how clever, how reasoning, how reasonable; we all fall into the same trap. Cults and movements attract the young, only because they feel hopelessly disenfranchised already. Violence by youth has the same root. BELONGINGNESS is far more important than we give it credit for!
When someone gradually loses their hearing, the world slowly retreats, and dementia creeps in on silent little cat-feet. You can isolate someone so easily; just spread some rumor among their friends, the equivalent of “Plague!” and watch their support system crumble, then their confidence, then their will to live. Putting a prisoner in isolation in no way cures him or her of the desire to commit crime, it just strips them of their humanity, the only thing keeping them from even more horrific crimes. But prisoners given a dog to care for pull an abrupt turn-about and become happy, purposeful people. Such a simple thing! Just someone/thing that needs us! Just one small purpose; to be there for a dog. But it means everything.
You make fun of the “cat lady,” but she has gathered her defense against the dark. You can’t defeat her now. In her frenzy for safety, she may end up with a hundred cats, but she’s right; their loyalty is stronger than human loyalty. Humans run off the first time something shiny catches their eye. They forget who fed them, which cats do not. They forget who nursed them in sickness, and cats never will. You can accuse cats of indifference, but it’s nothing compared to the indifference of one’s own family; cats are more faithful, more grateful. They are your real tribe.
Humans have very fragile devotion and very little sense of commitment. Don’t try to bring friends into it, either. The first sign of financial trouble and they’re suddenly busy elsewhere. If you’re perky and healthy and have an operation, sure; they’ll all come to visit, bringing cards and flowers. But if your health continues poorly, they won’t stick around and hold your hand, discuss your care with the nurse, bring you your favorite foods. They’ll be gone-ee. Even more so, if you’re in emotional pain; don’t even dream someone’s going to come and hold you, hand you a Kleenex, rock you to sleep, cheer you up. They’ll whisper some kind of justification among themselves (“Plague!”) and make their discreet exits. Even getting a divorce can cause this rats-leaving-a-sinking-ship behavior; people are afraid of your pain, afraid they'll catch it from you. Friendships may feel like they’re forever, but they’re as fragile as orchids. Only so long as a “reasonable” amount of substandard circumstances prevail, all is well. But not only is there a possibility that you’ll experience UNreasonable hardship in your life, but they might also desert you just because someone else seems more shiny. Maybe this drives all fashion; you must continue to be new and sparkly, just to keep people’s interest. Whether there’s anything of substance inside is irrelevant; they want to see your new clothes, hairdo, car, lover.
For women, it used to be that if you did you work well, if you kept clean and didn’t talk shit, you were a valuable member of the clan, right into old age. Help others if you can, but just keep to your own corner modestly. These things are no longer of any value. What is your work? Are you scrubbing us up some clean dishes? Baking bread? Making us nice clothes? No? Just pulling a pizza out of the freezer? Then who needs you? We used to NEED each other. When a man worked outdoors all day, he needed a home-maker, seamstress, cook. He couldn’t do that for himself. Now his work is minimal and “labor-saving” things have enabled him to get along just fine on his own. So what do you bring to the party? You can give him children, but other people will raise them. You won’t be educating them except in the most basic skills. They also have no need of you.
It’s not just women. A man once had to be strong and fit enough to pull a plow, hitch a carriage, drive a team of horses, bail hay and toss it into the barn he built. His usefulness is also very limited now. He provides only money, if even that. The idea of hard, honest work has become foreign to either gender, to any generation. Taking care of each other used to be a matter of nursing the other half of your hard-working team back into usefulness. A lifetime of commitment mean just that; to work as a team until you died. There was none of this nonsense about Valentine’s Day or whose last name to hyphenate or what restaurant or jewelry to romance you with.
Surprisingly, gender roles weren’t defined by one’s morals or politics, they were defined by what you could and could not do. A woman’s role was defined by her ability to bear children, because a man couldn’t do that for himself. She was kept near home and safety, was kept indoors in the hottest and coldest parts of the day, did lighter, less dangerous tasks. If a woman fell on the ice a man might lose his wife’s ability to work for a few weeks – or it might be curtailed for the rest of her life – but if she were pregnant, he might lose his child. That would mean fewer hands to help in the future, and knowing his legacy would go to someone else’s line. There's no way of knowing if or when she's pregnant, and children were borne right into a woman's late forties, sometimes even longer. On top of that, the most frequent cause of death for women was child-bearing. This is why men open doors, pull out chairs, and follow women up the stairs; to protect her and her ability to bear. There’s nothing religious or political or even romantic about it.
Being married didn’t used to mean doing everything together. In fact, each of you did your own work, had your own concerns, sought your own fulfillment. Now people seem to think they should agree on what to eat, when and where, how many new things to buy, which things to buy, who to try to impress, what movies and music to ingest, games to play, where to vacation, and especially, you are required to make each other feel happy and fulfilled sexually and emotionally at all times. That’s not an honest job, for either of you. It's not even doable.
With gender roles gone, the feeling of purpose is gone. You may create a child, but it won’t work beside you, learn your trade, follow in your footsteps. You won’t give them your wisdom, but farm them out to daycare workers who truly don’t give a shit. On any given day they’re just trying to get through their shift with a minimal of screaming and other drama, while dreaming of their own vacations or playing video games in the bathroom. Whether your child is taught anything about life is completely irrelevant, regardless of what the posters and other advertisements say.
Did you know that scientists have determined that working dogs are the happiest creatures on earth? Why? Simple; They have a job, they do the job, they are needed by others. Some housewives, remembering that their mothers used to help out people in tough circumstances by baking them a pie, started saving up their pin money to bake pies, too. Their pies were so great people started wanting to buy them. So now in addition to helping those in difficulty, they also run a pie business. Everyone’s happy! You might say that bringing a homemade pie to the poor once a week doesn’t help the poor much. But it actually serves several functions, besides starting a business. First, it distracts the person in tough circumstances; forces them to run a comb through their hair, put on a smile, and invite you in. Putting on a brave face eventually strengthens our brave face; it really works. The giver has to procure, prepare and deliver; this is good, honest work with purpose. The receiver must accept with grace, admit that someone has been kind to them, and also gets to taste something good – it may have been a while. These healing tools are priceless in restoring the will to go on.
Such simple little things. A pet who loves you, a pie, a game of cards. Should you ever feel that you’ve lost purpose in life, look to these things; do some good, honest work with purpose. Be the one people can turn to for help, for compassion. Give people a reason to smile, if only for a moment. If you’ve known isolation yourself, this is particularly good work, because it heals the giver even more than the receiver. You need never lack purpose! If you do, start looking around. However little you may have, you have something to give, if only yourself. There’s always someone with even less.
No rescue is coming; we have to save each other.
When an isolated person is told that they’re special, that there are others who are also special, and that they can join the group, be important to the group, even become a leader of the group, the desperate need to belong overwhelms sense. It doesn’t matter how smart they are, how clever, how reasoning, how reasonable; we all fall into the same trap. Cults and movements attract the young, only because they feel hopelessly disenfranchised already. Violence by youth has the same root. BELONGINGNESS is far more important than we give it credit for!
When someone gradually loses their hearing, the world slowly retreats, and dementia creeps in on silent little cat-feet. You can isolate someone so easily; just spread some rumor among their friends, the equivalent of “Plague!” and watch their support system crumble, then their confidence, then their will to live. Putting a prisoner in isolation in no way cures him or her of the desire to commit crime, it just strips them of their humanity, the only thing keeping them from even more horrific crimes. But prisoners given a dog to care for pull an abrupt turn-about and become happy, purposeful people. Such a simple thing! Just someone/thing that needs us! Just one small purpose; to be there for a dog. But it means everything.
You make fun of the “cat lady,” but she has gathered her defense against the dark. You can’t defeat her now. In her frenzy for safety, she may end up with a hundred cats, but she’s right; their loyalty is stronger than human loyalty. Humans run off the first time something shiny catches their eye. They forget who fed them, which cats do not. They forget who nursed them in sickness, and cats never will. You can accuse cats of indifference, but it’s nothing compared to the indifference of one’s own family; cats are more faithful, more grateful. They are your real tribe.
Humans have very fragile devotion and very little sense of commitment. Don’t try to bring friends into it, either. The first sign of financial trouble and they’re suddenly busy elsewhere. If you’re perky and healthy and have an operation, sure; they’ll all come to visit, bringing cards and flowers. But if your health continues poorly, they won’t stick around and hold your hand, discuss your care with the nurse, bring you your favorite foods. They’ll be gone-ee. Even more so, if you’re in emotional pain; don’t even dream someone’s going to come and hold you, hand you a Kleenex, rock you to sleep, cheer you up. They’ll whisper some kind of justification among themselves (“Plague!”) and make their discreet exits. Even getting a divorce can cause this rats-leaving-a-sinking-ship behavior; people are afraid of your pain, afraid they'll catch it from you. Friendships may feel like they’re forever, but they’re as fragile as orchids. Only so long as a “reasonable” amount of substandard circumstances prevail, all is well. But not only is there a possibility that you’ll experience UNreasonable hardship in your life, but they might also desert you just because someone else seems more shiny. Maybe this drives all fashion; you must continue to be new and sparkly, just to keep people’s interest. Whether there’s anything of substance inside is irrelevant; they want to see your new clothes, hairdo, car, lover.
For women, it used to be that if you did you work well, if you kept clean and didn’t talk shit, you were a valuable member of the clan, right into old age. Help others if you can, but just keep to your own corner modestly. These things are no longer of any value. What is your work? Are you scrubbing us up some clean dishes? Baking bread? Making us nice clothes? No? Just pulling a pizza out of the freezer? Then who needs you? We used to NEED each other. When a man worked outdoors all day, he needed a home-maker, seamstress, cook. He couldn’t do that for himself. Now his work is minimal and “labor-saving” things have enabled him to get along just fine on his own. So what do you bring to the party? You can give him children, but other people will raise them. You won’t be educating them except in the most basic skills. They also have no need of you.
It’s not just women. A man once had to be strong and fit enough to pull a plow, hitch a carriage, drive a team of horses, bail hay and toss it into the barn he built. His usefulness is also very limited now. He provides only money, if even that. The idea of hard, honest work has become foreign to either gender, to any generation. Taking care of each other used to be a matter of nursing the other half of your hard-working team back into usefulness. A lifetime of commitment mean just that; to work as a team until you died. There was none of this nonsense about Valentine’s Day or whose last name to hyphenate or what restaurant or jewelry to romance you with.
Surprisingly, gender roles weren’t defined by one’s morals or politics, they were defined by what you could and could not do. A woman’s role was defined by her ability to bear children, because a man couldn’t do that for himself. She was kept near home and safety, was kept indoors in the hottest and coldest parts of the day, did lighter, less dangerous tasks. If a woman fell on the ice a man might lose his wife’s ability to work for a few weeks – or it might be curtailed for the rest of her life – but if she were pregnant, he might lose his child. That would mean fewer hands to help in the future, and knowing his legacy would go to someone else’s line. There's no way of knowing if or when she's pregnant, and children were borne right into a woman's late forties, sometimes even longer. On top of that, the most frequent cause of death for women was child-bearing. This is why men open doors, pull out chairs, and follow women up the stairs; to protect her and her ability to bear. There’s nothing religious or political or even romantic about it.
Being married didn’t used to mean doing everything together. In fact, each of you did your own work, had your own concerns, sought your own fulfillment. Now people seem to think they should agree on what to eat, when and where, how many new things to buy, which things to buy, who to try to impress, what movies and music to ingest, games to play, where to vacation, and especially, you are required to make each other feel happy and fulfilled sexually and emotionally at all times. That’s not an honest job, for either of you. It's not even doable.
With gender roles gone, the feeling of purpose is gone. You may create a child, but it won’t work beside you, learn your trade, follow in your footsteps. You won’t give them your wisdom, but farm them out to daycare workers who truly don’t give a shit. On any given day they’re just trying to get through their shift with a minimal of screaming and other drama, while dreaming of their own vacations or playing video games in the bathroom. Whether your child is taught anything about life is completely irrelevant, regardless of what the posters and other advertisements say.
Did you know that scientists have determined that working dogs are the happiest creatures on earth? Why? Simple; They have a job, they do the job, they are needed by others. Some housewives, remembering that their mothers used to help out people in tough circumstances by baking them a pie, started saving up their pin money to bake pies, too. Their pies were so great people started wanting to buy them. So now in addition to helping those in difficulty, they also run a pie business. Everyone’s happy! You might say that bringing a homemade pie to the poor once a week doesn’t help the poor much. But it actually serves several functions, besides starting a business. First, it distracts the person in tough circumstances; forces them to run a comb through their hair, put on a smile, and invite you in. Putting on a brave face eventually strengthens our brave face; it really works. The giver has to procure, prepare and deliver; this is good, honest work with purpose. The receiver must accept with grace, admit that someone has been kind to them, and also gets to taste something good – it may have been a while. These healing tools are priceless in restoring the will to go on.
Such simple little things. A pet who loves you, a pie, a game of cards. Should you ever feel that you’ve lost purpose in life, look to these things; do some good, honest work with purpose. Be the one people can turn to for help, for compassion. Give people a reason to smile, if only for a moment. If you’ve known isolation yourself, this is particularly good work, because it heals the giver even more than the receiver. You need never lack purpose! If you do, start looking around. However little you may have, you have something to give, if only yourself. There’s always someone with even less.
No rescue is coming; we have to save each other.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
THOUGHTS ON PTSD
Okay, I know bad things have happened. Very bad things. You-wish-you-were-never-born things. Things which make the idea of living forever the ultimate horror. And even though the arrow of time moves us steadily away from the things, they never stop hounding us. They keep coming back and stabbing us. You forget about the things for a moment, or a month or a year, but they’ll be back.
When people tell you to never look back, and to stay on the path, this is wisdom! It means; keep busy, don’t ever remember the things. Maybe you can get by for a while on “Jesus saved me,” but as soon as you stop for a breath or something reminds you, then time has no meaning; you’re there again.
Something hurts you, it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re strong. Something hurts you again, that’s okay, but one day one too many things hurt you at once, and there they are again; the things; they’ve ganged up together with present troubles. Then everything is ugly. Even the best of things you’ve done and seen and found and been since then turn sour, like roses wilting before your eyes and putting out a whiff of sewage. You might keep smiling, or you might curl up in a ball, it doesn’t matter what you do – the things are back. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, how brave, how kind; the ambush was already set when the things happened the first time.
Don’t get the idea that maybe you should explore the issues further, re-examine the things, dig around in them deeper; that way is a one-way spiral staircase going down, into the deepest dark in the universe. Hold the handrail, let the tears pass, keep moving on, keep aiming up. Don’t let the old things gang up with the new things to make even more things!
When the things come, let them pass over you. See them, and let them just go by. Yes, there that thing is again, and it still hurts, but don’t grab hold of it, and don’t let it grab hold of you; let it pass. Present troubles are unrelated and will gradually shrink to their real size, just keep your head down until then. It’s easier to go under a big wave than fight your way through the storm. Just duck down where it’s calm and wait; it’ll pass. Then, begin again. Keep busy, don’t look back, stay on the path upward.
The thought that hope is the cruelest of all things – a thought only the PTSC sufferer has
It’s as if you were getting ready for a family barbeque, carving a watermelon, monitoring the fruit for mojitos, and the doorbell rings, and it’s Satan. Everything stops. Time stops, the family disappears, the mojitos turn to mold, the watermelon fills with maggots. But no, none of that happens, it only FEELS like It does. The family is still waiting for dinner.
When people tell you to never look back, and to stay on the path, this is wisdom! It means; keep busy, don’t ever remember the things. Maybe you can get by for a while on “Jesus saved me,” but as soon as you stop for a breath or something reminds you, then time has no meaning; you’re there again.
Something hurts you, it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re strong. Something hurts you again, that’s okay, but one day one too many things hurt you at once, and there they are again; the things; they’ve ganged up together with present troubles. Then everything is ugly. Even the best of things you’ve done and seen and found and been since then turn sour, like roses wilting before your eyes and putting out a whiff of sewage. You might keep smiling, or you might curl up in a ball, it doesn’t matter what you do – the things are back. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, how brave, how kind; the ambush was already set when the things happened the first time.
Don’t get the idea that maybe you should explore the issues further, re-examine the things, dig around in them deeper; that way is a one-way spiral staircase going down, into the deepest dark in the universe. Hold the handrail, let the tears pass, keep moving on, keep aiming up. Don’t let the old things gang up with the new things to make even more things!
When the things come, let them pass over you. See them, and let them just go by. Yes, there that thing is again, and it still hurts, but don’t grab hold of it, and don’t let it grab hold of you; let it pass. Present troubles are unrelated and will gradually shrink to their real size, just keep your head down until then. It’s easier to go under a big wave than fight your way through the storm. Just duck down where it’s calm and wait; it’ll pass. Then, begin again. Keep busy, don’t look back, stay on the path upward.
The thought that hope is the cruelest of all things – a thought only the PTSC sufferer has
It’s as if you were getting ready for a family barbeque, carving a watermelon, monitoring the fruit for mojitos, and the doorbell rings, and it’s Satan. Everything stops. Time stops, the family disappears, the mojitos turn to mold, the watermelon fills with maggots. But no, none of that happens, it only FEELS like It does. The family is still waiting for dinner.
THOUGHTS ON DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND NEEDING ONE ANOTHER
It doesn’t cost anything to give a hug, or to accept one. If you think there is, you may be too tense, or too paranoid. All people need to be held. We need it BADLY. Why can’t we do this simple thing for each other? A smile, a little kindness, a compliment – these things are free to give, and oh, so precious to receive. It’s like investing in a stock which skyrockets. Paying it forward, passing on the love.
Huddled together against all the monsters, the loneliness, the dark, our only true purpose in this world is to comfort each other. “It’s okay, I’m here, I won’t let go,” “You’re very brave, I know you’re tired, I know it’s hard.” Such simple words, that speak directly to every soul. “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” are the only meaningful words in the whole of holy scripture. If you want a sacred mantra, make these words it. There, that’s yours for no extra charge.
Not only does loving kindness cost nothing, but the benefits to ourselves are enormous. Why haven’t you done this? Why aren’t you doing it now? Be of comfort to someone; that’s the noblest goal and must be our loftiest aspiration. If we’d stop worrying about everything else and just hold on to each other – there’d be no need of miracles or rescue, of healing or any other emotional damage control. Suicide would end, despair would transmute into serene joy. All at no cost.
When someone we love commits suicide, we may feel we’re to blame. If you haven’t kept in touch, if you haven’t TOUCHED, then yes, you must take some of the blame. Suicide is most often a response to what the victim sees as extreme isolation from everyone, with no way to reach out, and no way to initiate change or reverse the circumstances. Since they see themselves as worthless, they interpret the fact that you don’t make contact as a further confirmation of their uselessness. The occasional phone call, remembering a birthday, sending holiday greetings, even just getting together for a movie could completely change the situation, but they can’t reach you; the action must come from your side. Maybe you did or said something the last time you spoke which made them believe the relationship over. Don’t let it be over; your loved ones will actually die of neglect and profound regret. Don’t leave them feeling worthless, or you are indeed to blame.
A mother’s happy while her children live at home, because she has a meaningful focus for her energy. It doesn’t matter too much that no one ever thanks her, it’s being needed that counts. It’s the same reason the Cat Lady keeps cats; the perception of being needed is deeply, desperately needed. If you have the power to make someone feel needed – and you certainly DO – don’t lie to yourself about that - don’t be shy, ask their help, their presence, their input (though you can certainly disregard it if you wish). Learn to play their favorite board or card game and play it with them, why not? If they play with friends, let the friends meet you, and you meet them – now your relationship has a new, deeper dimension! Good work! If they’re alone much of the time, see if it would be possible to get them a pet. That can literally save their life. The fact that a little thing needs them means they’re stuck waking up one more day. And that gives you more time to reach them.
And just so we’re clear, it’s not that suicides don’t care about the emotional mess they leave behind - they care very much, but not nearly, nearly enough to overcome the mess they’re already in. Suicide is just an end to pain. If the attempt fails, don’t go around and give them more pain; be the cure. Be the love they thought was gone from the world. If you don’t, they’ll keep on trying, and they’ll figure it out sooner or later. If you kept putting off touching their lives, then yes, you must take the blame.
Post-traumatic stress is not only for war veterans. Anyone who’s been through a horrific experience can suffer – is, in fact, likely to suffer – this malfunction. Medication and therapy can alleviate a lot of the effects, having an emotional support animal helps even more. But for the rest of their lives, sufferers may have sudden stabs of memory which cast every good thing into shadow, every hope into despair, making it seems like nothing before or since that incident has been true or valuable, that only that incident is Truth. If stress is high, it can happen in dreams, making them excrutiating nightmares. Waking up is even worse; one has to face the even more horrific fact that it’s not just a dream, it’s your life. Telling that person to cheer up, man up, control themselves or get their shit together is not only worthless but strikingly cruel. No one would live with this if they had a choice. The only way out is to wait for that memory to fade, to plaster it over with some good ones.
People in this world may promise you all kinds of happiness, and you can work all your life toward the imaginary happiness of success or wealth, but here’s the secret to real happiness; It turns out that all we humans need is each other. All sorts of studies confirm this, but I can prove it much more easily than all that; Imagine a lone hunter on the savannah with his spear, trying to stalk impossibly large prey, fearing starvation if he can’t manage it. Imagine another human hunter appears. NOW everything will be all right. When two of you don’t know what to do, how much more likely you are to try than if you alone don’t know what to do. And if you don’t try you can’t possibly succeed. Together, you can take down anything, even a mastodon.
These days we’re put off by pictures of peoples’ children, but if they have photos of their pets, a crowd will gather instantly. Why is this? Because animals don’t let you down! Increasingly, people DO. Animals remain loyal, faithful, responsive. They never stop needing you. If we could find these qualities in a human, we’d plaster the internet with their picture instead – but we don’t find them. But don’t be sad, here’s what to do; stop looking for that person and start BEING that person.
It was an unspoken law just two or three generations ago – depending on your family dynamic – that it was taken for granted you’d hang out with your family all your life. Cousins were closer friends than mere acquaintances. Personally, I lost track of my cousins decades ago; I can’t even remember thier names now. If you remained single all your life, you’d be the beloved uncle or aunt of a dozen trusting children, and the most trusted babysitter in the world, invited to every family event, treasured right into old age. Even in cultures like America, where coming of age has always included striking out on one’s own, there was never any doubt where you’d spend the holidays. If you lost your job, you’d move in with family without even asking, and they’d take you in without question. Nowadays we don’t even wait until we achieve adulthood to distance ourselves from these horrible people. It’s not that families were made of better people back then; they weren’t. What they had – and what we lost as we gained our independence – is real commitment. It should be no surprise that now we try to find that with each other. The trouble is, no spouse can be to you everything your family used to be. They can’t be your wise advisor, your mentor, your confidant, your caretaker, your lover, a good parent to your children, your companion in secrets, your best friend, your nurse, your romantic ideal and your only desire. No one can be all that, and so we live our lives in a state of constant disappointment. We’re disappointed in our spouses, disappointed in our lives, disappointed in ourselves.
Maybe it’s that disappointment which makes it impossible for us to make a real commitment. A real commitment means that no matter what life throws at you, you’ll still be together. You’ll suffer ups and downs on the job market, ups and downs in your financial and housing prospects, you’ll have automobile accidents and nearly incurable diseases. There’ll be times you’ll have only each other for company, and times when you can’t believe this person whose supposed to know you could be such an idiot. There’ll be times when you can’t agree with their parenting. But you’ll (I hope) grow old and frail and forgetful together. So how long can you stand this other person’s company? What if they get depressed, or addicted to drugs? None of that matters; they’re yours for life, they’re the rest of your skin, your other pair of hips. You stay together anyway, and that’s why it’s called commitment. Not because you put on some nice clothes and said some nice words in front of everyone – no matter how sacred that vow - but because you become as one with this person, forever. Whatever their problem may be, it’s your problem too. There’s no quitting.
There’s no “He’s not fulfilling my needs.” Those are your needs, find your own answers. There’s no “They don’t understand me.” It’s up to you to make yourself understood. Good luck arguing with your grandma, but anyone else, you have a fair shot if you try.
Wouldn’t it be nice, if you became incapacitated, if someone would care enough to empty the friables out of your refrigerator, water your plants, pay your rent? Anyone? If they’re only a friend, how long would they stay around, really? I’ve had some experience in this area, and I can tell you, 99 percent of the time, they just won’t do it. They might help out once, and even twice, but that’s all you can expect. And if it were very serious, who will make medical and financial decisions on your behalf? Anyone? If that sounds lonely to you, if it sounds sad, then you have to act now. Fix your family, take care of them, then they’ll be willing to take care of you. It’s a circle, and one you can’t do without, no matter how free or independent or self-sufficient – or unique - you think you are.
The elders in your family see the long view. Of course you think that your problems are unique, but they’re probably still one of a recognizable subset others have had. You think they won’t understand because you have problems with technology – but for one thing, you should be trying to keep them in the techno-loop, and for another, the difference between a sext message and a love letter isn’t as wide as you might think. No matter how deep the canyon you’re in, you can still see them on the mountaintop. Follow their signals to safety, don’t think you know better. This is the whole concept of trust. Trust that you may not, after all, know everything. That you can’t, after all, BE everything.
It’s regrettable what’s become of our families, but the good news is, it’s never too late to put it back together. Leave the most difficult ones til last, get your sea legs…You have a weird uncle who’s out of work? Let him sleep in your basement. Your perception of privacy is self-defeating, and not nearly as precious as your relationships must be. You have a relative in an old folks’ home? How hard would it be to visit them? Call them? Just how hard is it for you to be a real human being? This shit doesn’t cost you a thing but your time, and no matter how excrutiatingly important you think you are, you have the time for this. You have some cousins, nieces, nephews you haven’t met? Go find them, play Frisbee or chess with them, help them build a kite – kids still do that. Relationships aren’t handed to you, you have to hand craft them over many years. You have to give of your time and attention in many little ways which will add up over the years to real trust, real meaning. If you have a relative who likes books, ask what his or her favorite is – have a conversation. It’s amazingly fun!
If it’s been months or years since you spoke to anyone in your family, do it now, no excuses. They need you, but no more than you need them. Don’t fail to show up for someone’s wedding or funeral, those insults can never be undone. Even if you can’t bear to speak to a single soul there, show up. If you can’t afford a gift, don’t bring one, just be there. If your grandfather’s always hated you, take him fishing anyway – he may decide you’re not that bad after all. Whatever’s wrong with your family, fix it. Keep on fixing it till you die. Just think of your relatives as crazy people you’ve been put in charge of. See that they get something to eat and have a good time, and ignore the insults and complaints which are sure to fly. Just be at peace with yourself, and rejoice in the nearness of other humans who are – admit it – an awfully lot like yourself. In every family there’s one person who makes sure that no one gets left out, that holidays are spent together, one person who orchestrates reunions and picnics and barbeque. If your family seems to be missing such a person, let that be you! You can make yourself the glue holding your family together. End the terror of isolation, and the dread of loneliness, for you and for everyone around you. Be the family you wish you had.
You can’t entirely prevent depression, but helping someone pull out of it can be as simple as taking them to a game of cards every week. That’s one little thing they can look forward to, spend time preparing for, thinking about. It’s one thing the two of you can chat about, laugh about. That’s a few hours a week they think of something besides the peace and release of death. It distracts, for a time, from the hopelessness, and makes it imperative to be “together” for that date. And one day when they’re facing the dark alone, may they think of your embrace, of your humanity, of your love, and realize they aren’t so alone after all. None of us, ultimately, are. We need each other so much, and all the wealth or responsibility or success in the world is nothing if you’re standing at the top of the heap alone.
Huddled together against all the monsters, the loneliness, the dark, our only true purpose in this world is to comfort each other. “It’s okay, I’m here, I won’t let go,” “You’re very brave, I know you’re tired, I know it’s hard.” Such simple words, that speak directly to every soul. “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” are the only meaningful words in the whole of holy scripture. If you want a sacred mantra, make these words it. There, that’s yours for no extra charge.
Not only does loving kindness cost nothing, but the benefits to ourselves are enormous. Why haven’t you done this? Why aren’t you doing it now? Be of comfort to someone; that’s the noblest goal and must be our loftiest aspiration. If we’d stop worrying about everything else and just hold on to each other – there’d be no need of miracles or rescue, of healing or any other emotional damage control. Suicide would end, despair would transmute into serene joy. All at no cost.
When someone we love commits suicide, we may feel we’re to blame. If you haven’t kept in touch, if you haven’t TOUCHED, then yes, you must take some of the blame. Suicide is most often a response to what the victim sees as extreme isolation from everyone, with no way to reach out, and no way to initiate change or reverse the circumstances. Since they see themselves as worthless, they interpret the fact that you don’t make contact as a further confirmation of their uselessness. The occasional phone call, remembering a birthday, sending holiday greetings, even just getting together for a movie could completely change the situation, but they can’t reach you; the action must come from your side. Maybe you did or said something the last time you spoke which made them believe the relationship over. Don’t let it be over; your loved ones will actually die of neglect and profound regret. Don’t leave them feeling worthless, or you are indeed to blame.
A mother’s happy while her children live at home, because she has a meaningful focus for her energy. It doesn’t matter too much that no one ever thanks her, it’s being needed that counts. It’s the same reason the Cat Lady keeps cats; the perception of being needed is deeply, desperately needed. If you have the power to make someone feel needed – and you certainly DO – don’t lie to yourself about that - don’t be shy, ask their help, their presence, their input (though you can certainly disregard it if you wish). Learn to play their favorite board or card game and play it with them, why not? If they play with friends, let the friends meet you, and you meet them – now your relationship has a new, deeper dimension! Good work! If they’re alone much of the time, see if it would be possible to get them a pet. That can literally save their life. The fact that a little thing needs them means they’re stuck waking up one more day. And that gives you more time to reach them.
And just so we’re clear, it’s not that suicides don’t care about the emotional mess they leave behind - they care very much, but not nearly, nearly enough to overcome the mess they’re already in. Suicide is just an end to pain. If the attempt fails, don’t go around and give them more pain; be the cure. Be the love they thought was gone from the world. If you don’t, they’ll keep on trying, and they’ll figure it out sooner or later. If you kept putting off touching their lives, then yes, you must take the blame.
Post-traumatic stress is not only for war veterans. Anyone who’s been through a horrific experience can suffer – is, in fact, likely to suffer – this malfunction. Medication and therapy can alleviate a lot of the effects, having an emotional support animal helps even more. But for the rest of their lives, sufferers may have sudden stabs of memory which cast every good thing into shadow, every hope into despair, making it seems like nothing before or since that incident has been true or valuable, that only that incident is Truth. If stress is high, it can happen in dreams, making them excrutiating nightmares. Waking up is even worse; one has to face the even more horrific fact that it’s not just a dream, it’s your life. Telling that person to cheer up, man up, control themselves or get their shit together is not only worthless but strikingly cruel. No one would live with this if they had a choice. The only way out is to wait for that memory to fade, to plaster it over with some good ones.
People in this world may promise you all kinds of happiness, and you can work all your life toward the imaginary happiness of success or wealth, but here’s the secret to real happiness; It turns out that all we humans need is each other. All sorts of studies confirm this, but I can prove it much more easily than all that; Imagine a lone hunter on the savannah with his spear, trying to stalk impossibly large prey, fearing starvation if he can’t manage it. Imagine another human hunter appears. NOW everything will be all right. When two of you don’t know what to do, how much more likely you are to try than if you alone don’t know what to do. And if you don’t try you can’t possibly succeed. Together, you can take down anything, even a mastodon.
These days we’re put off by pictures of peoples’ children, but if they have photos of their pets, a crowd will gather instantly. Why is this? Because animals don’t let you down! Increasingly, people DO. Animals remain loyal, faithful, responsive. They never stop needing you. If we could find these qualities in a human, we’d plaster the internet with their picture instead – but we don’t find them. But don’t be sad, here’s what to do; stop looking for that person and start BEING that person.
It was an unspoken law just two or three generations ago – depending on your family dynamic – that it was taken for granted you’d hang out with your family all your life. Cousins were closer friends than mere acquaintances. Personally, I lost track of my cousins decades ago; I can’t even remember thier names now. If you remained single all your life, you’d be the beloved uncle or aunt of a dozen trusting children, and the most trusted babysitter in the world, invited to every family event, treasured right into old age. Even in cultures like America, where coming of age has always included striking out on one’s own, there was never any doubt where you’d spend the holidays. If you lost your job, you’d move in with family without even asking, and they’d take you in without question. Nowadays we don’t even wait until we achieve adulthood to distance ourselves from these horrible people. It’s not that families were made of better people back then; they weren’t. What they had – and what we lost as we gained our independence – is real commitment. It should be no surprise that now we try to find that with each other. The trouble is, no spouse can be to you everything your family used to be. They can’t be your wise advisor, your mentor, your confidant, your caretaker, your lover, a good parent to your children, your companion in secrets, your best friend, your nurse, your romantic ideal and your only desire. No one can be all that, and so we live our lives in a state of constant disappointment. We’re disappointed in our spouses, disappointed in our lives, disappointed in ourselves.
Maybe it’s that disappointment which makes it impossible for us to make a real commitment. A real commitment means that no matter what life throws at you, you’ll still be together. You’ll suffer ups and downs on the job market, ups and downs in your financial and housing prospects, you’ll have automobile accidents and nearly incurable diseases. There’ll be times you’ll have only each other for company, and times when you can’t believe this person whose supposed to know you could be such an idiot. There’ll be times when you can’t agree with their parenting. But you’ll (I hope) grow old and frail and forgetful together. So how long can you stand this other person’s company? What if they get depressed, or addicted to drugs? None of that matters; they’re yours for life, they’re the rest of your skin, your other pair of hips. You stay together anyway, and that’s why it’s called commitment. Not because you put on some nice clothes and said some nice words in front of everyone – no matter how sacred that vow - but because you become as one with this person, forever. Whatever their problem may be, it’s your problem too. There’s no quitting.
There’s no “He’s not fulfilling my needs.” Those are your needs, find your own answers. There’s no “They don’t understand me.” It’s up to you to make yourself understood. Good luck arguing with your grandma, but anyone else, you have a fair shot if you try.
Wouldn’t it be nice, if you became incapacitated, if someone would care enough to empty the friables out of your refrigerator, water your plants, pay your rent? Anyone? If they’re only a friend, how long would they stay around, really? I’ve had some experience in this area, and I can tell you, 99 percent of the time, they just won’t do it. They might help out once, and even twice, but that’s all you can expect. And if it were very serious, who will make medical and financial decisions on your behalf? Anyone? If that sounds lonely to you, if it sounds sad, then you have to act now. Fix your family, take care of them, then they’ll be willing to take care of you. It’s a circle, and one you can’t do without, no matter how free or independent or self-sufficient – or unique - you think you are.
The elders in your family see the long view. Of course you think that your problems are unique, but they’re probably still one of a recognizable subset others have had. You think they won’t understand because you have problems with technology – but for one thing, you should be trying to keep them in the techno-loop, and for another, the difference between a sext message and a love letter isn’t as wide as you might think. No matter how deep the canyon you’re in, you can still see them on the mountaintop. Follow their signals to safety, don’t think you know better. This is the whole concept of trust. Trust that you may not, after all, know everything. That you can’t, after all, BE everything.
It’s regrettable what’s become of our families, but the good news is, it’s never too late to put it back together. Leave the most difficult ones til last, get your sea legs…You have a weird uncle who’s out of work? Let him sleep in your basement. Your perception of privacy is self-defeating, and not nearly as precious as your relationships must be. You have a relative in an old folks’ home? How hard would it be to visit them? Call them? Just how hard is it for you to be a real human being? This shit doesn’t cost you a thing but your time, and no matter how excrutiatingly important you think you are, you have the time for this. You have some cousins, nieces, nephews you haven’t met? Go find them, play Frisbee or chess with them, help them build a kite – kids still do that. Relationships aren’t handed to you, you have to hand craft them over many years. You have to give of your time and attention in many little ways which will add up over the years to real trust, real meaning. If you have a relative who likes books, ask what his or her favorite is – have a conversation. It’s amazingly fun!
If it’s been months or years since you spoke to anyone in your family, do it now, no excuses. They need you, but no more than you need them. Don’t fail to show up for someone’s wedding or funeral, those insults can never be undone. Even if you can’t bear to speak to a single soul there, show up. If you can’t afford a gift, don’t bring one, just be there. If your grandfather’s always hated you, take him fishing anyway – he may decide you’re not that bad after all. Whatever’s wrong with your family, fix it. Keep on fixing it till you die. Just think of your relatives as crazy people you’ve been put in charge of. See that they get something to eat and have a good time, and ignore the insults and complaints which are sure to fly. Just be at peace with yourself, and rejoice in the nearness of other humans who are – admit it – an awfully lot like yourself. In every family there’s one person who makes sure that no one gets left out, that holidays are spent together, one person who orchestrates reunions and picnics and barbeque. If your family seems to be missing such a person, let that be you! You can make yourself the glue holding your family together. End the terror of isolation, and the dread of loneliness, for you and for everyone around you. Be the family you wish you had.
You can’t entirely prevent depression, but helping someone pull out of it can be as simple as taking them to a game of cards every week. That’s one little thing they can look forward to, spend time preparing for, thinking about. It’s one thing the two of you can chat about, laugh about. That’s a few hours a week they think of something besides the peace and release of death. It distracts, for a time, from the hopelessness, and makes it imperative to be “together” for that date. And one day when they’re facing the dark alone, may they think of your embrace, of your humanity, of your love, and realize they aren’t so alone after all. None of us, ultimately, are. We need each other so much, and all the wealth or responsibility or success in the world is nothing if you’re standing at the top of the heap alone.
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