THOUGHTS ON DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND NEEDING ONE ANOTHER

It doesn’t cost anything to give a hug, or to accept one. If you think there is, you may be too tense, or too paranoid. All people need to be held. We need it BADLY. Why can’t we do this simple thing for each other? A smile, a little kindness, a compliment – these things are free to give, and oh, so precious to receive. It’s like investing in a stock which skyrockets. Paying it forward, passing on the love.

Huddled together against all the monsters, the loneliness, the dark, our only true purpose in this world is to comfort each other. “It’s okay, I’m here, I won’t let go,” “You’re very brave, I know you’re tired, I know it’s hard.” Such simple words, that speak directly to every soul. “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” are the only meaningful words in the whole of holy scripture. If you want a sacred mantra, make these words it. There, that’s yours for no extra charge.

Not only does loving kindness cost nothing, but the benefits to ourselves are enormous. Why haven’t you done this? Why aren’t you doing it now? Be of comfort to someone; that’s the noblest goal and must be our loftiest aspiration. If we’d stop worrying about everything else and just hold on to each other – there’d be no need of miracles or rescue, of healing or any other emotional damage control. Suicide would end, despair would transmute into serene joy. All at no cost.

When someone we love commits suicide, we may feel we’re to blame. If you haven’t kept in touch, if you haven’t TOUCHED, then yes, you must take some of the blame. Suicide is most often a response to what the victim sees as extreme isolation from everyone, with no way to reach out, and no way to initiate change or reverse the circumstances. Since they see themselves as worthless, they interpret the fact that you don’t make contact as a further confirmation of their uselessness. The occasional phone call, remembering a birthday, sending holiday greetings, even just getting together for a movie could completely change the situation, but they can’t reach you; the action must come from your side. Maybe you did or said something the last time you spoke which made them believe the relationship over. Don’t let it be over; your loved ones will actually die of neglect and profound regret. Don’t leave them feeling worthless, or you are indeed to blame.

A mother’s happy while her children live at home, because she has a meaningful focus for her energy. It doesn’t matter too much that no one ever thanks her, it’s being needed that counts. It’s the same reason the Cat Lady keeps cats; the perception of being needed is deeply, desperately needed. If you have the power to make someone feel needed – and you certainly DO – don’t lie to yourself about that - don’t be shy, ask their help, their presence, their input (though you can certainly disregard it if you wish). Learn to play their favorite board or card game and play it with them, why not? If they play with friends, let the friends meet you, and you meet them – now your relationship has a new, deeper dimension! Good work! If they’re alone much of the time, see if it would be possible to get them a pet. That can literally save their life. The fact that a little thing needs them means they’re stuck waking up one more day. And that gives you more time to reach them.

And just so we’re clear, it’s not that suicides don’t care about the emotional mess they leave behind - they care very much, but not nearly, nearly enough to overcome the mess they’re already in. Suicide is just an end to pain. If the attempt fails, don’t go around and give them more pain; be the cure. Be the love they thought was gone from the world. If you don’t, they’ll keep on trying, and they’ll figure it out sooner or later. If you kept putting off touching their lives, then yes, you must take the blame.

Post-traumatic stress is not only for war veterans. Anyone who’s been through a horrific experience can suffer – is, in fact, likely to suffer – this malfunction. Medication and therapy can alleviate a lot of the effects, having an emotional support animal helps even more. But for the rest of their lives, sufferers may have sudden stabs of memory which cast every good thing into shadow, every hope into despair, making it seems like nothing before or since that incident has been true or valuable, that only that incident is Truth. If stress is high, it can happen in dreams, making them excrutiating nightmares. Waking up is even worse; one has to face the even more horrific fact that it’s not just a dream, it’s your life. Telling that person to cheer up, man up, control themselves or get their shit together is not only worthless but strikingly cruel. No one would live with this if they had a choice. The only way out is to wait for that memory to fade, to plaster it over with some good ones.

People in this world may promise you all kinds of happiness, and you can work all your life toward the imaginary happiness of success or wealth, but here’s the secret to real happiness; It turns out that all we humans need is each other. All sorts of studies confirm this, but I can prove it much more easily than all that; Imagine a lone hunter on the savannah with his spear, trying to stalk impossibly large prey, fearing starvation if he can’t manage it. Imagine another human hunter appears. NOW everything will be all right. When two of you don’t know what to do, how much more likely you are to try than if you alone don’t know what to do. And if you don’t try you can’t possibly succeed. Together, you can take down anything, even a mastodon.

These days we’re put off by pictures of peoples’ children, but if they have photos of their pets, a crowd will gather instantly. Why is this? Because animals don’t let you down! Increasingly, people DO. Animals remain loyal, faithful, responsive. They never stop needing you. If we could find these qualities in a human, we’d plaster the internet with their picture instead – but we don’t find them. But don’t be sad, here’s what to do; stop looking for that person and start BEING that person.

It was an unspoken law just two or three generations ago – depending on your family dynamic – that it was taken for granted you’d hang out with your family all your life. Cousins were closer friends than mere acquaintances. Personally, I lost track of my cousins decades ago; I can’t even remember thier names now. If you remained single all your life, you’d be the beloved uncle or aunt of a dozen trusting children, and the most trusted babysitter in the world, invited to every family event, treasured right into old age. Even in cultures like America, where coming of age has always included striking out on one’s own, there was never any doubt where you’d spend the holidays. If you lost your job, you’d move in with family without even asking, and they’d take you in without question. Nowadays we don’t even wait until we achieve adulthood to distance ourselves from these horrible people. It’s not that families were made of better people back then; they weren’t. What they had – and what we lost as we gained our independence – is real commitment. It should be no surprise that now we try to find that with each other. The trouble is, no spouse can be to you everything your family used to be. They can’t be your wise advisor, your mentor, your confidant, your caretaker, your lover, a good parent to your children, your companion in secrets, your best friend, your nurse, your romantic ideal and your only desire. No one can be all that, and so we live our lives in a state of constant disappointment. We’re disappointed in our spouses, disappointed in our lives, disappointed in ourselves.

Maybe it’s that disappointment which makes it impossible for us to make a real commitment. A real commitment means that no matter what life throws at you, you’ll still be together. You’ll suffer ups and downs on the job market, ups and downs in your financial and housing prospects, you’ll have automobile accidents and nearly incurable diseases. There’ll be times you’ll have only each other for company, and times when you can’t believe this person whose supposed to know you could be such an idiot. There’ll be times when you can’t agree with their parenting. But you’ll (I hope) grow old and frail and forgetful together. So how long can you stand this other person’s company? What if they get depressed, or addicted to drugs? None of that matters; they’re yours for life, they’re the rest of your skin, your other pair of hips. You stay together anyway, and that’s why it’s called commitment. Not because you put on some nice clothes and said some nice words in front of everyone – no matter how sacred that vow - but because you become as one with this person, forever. Whatever their problem may be, it’s your problem too. There’s no quitting.

There’s no “He’s not fulfilling my needs.” Those are your needs, find your own answers. There’s no “They don’t understand me.” It’s up to you to make yourself understood. Good luck arguing with your grandma, but anyone else, you have a fair shot if you try.

Wouldn’t it be nice, if you became incapacitated, if someone would care enough to empty the friables out of your refrigerator, water your plants, pay your rent? Anyone? If they’re only a friend, how long would they stay around, really? I’ve had some experience in this area, and I can tell you, 99 percent of the time, they just won’t do it. They might help out once, and even twice, but that’s all you can expect. And if it were very serious, who will make medical and financial decisions on your behalf? Anyone? If that sounds lonely to you, if it sounds sad, then you have to act now. Fix your family, take care of them, then they’ll be willing to take care of you. It’s a circle, and one you can’t do without, no matter how free or independent or self-sufficient – or unique - you think you are.

The elders in your family see the long view. Of course you think that your problems are unique, but they’re probably still one of a recognizable subset others have had. You think they won’t understand because you have problems with technology – but for one thing, you should be trying to keep them in the techno-loop, and for another, the difference between a sext message and a love letter isn’t as wide as you might think. No matter how deep the canyon you’re in, you can still see them on the mountaintop. Follow their signals to safety, don’t think you know better. This is the whole concept of trust. Trust that you may not, after all, know everything. That you can’t, after all, BE everything.

It’s regrettable what’s become of our families, but the good news is, it’s never too late to put it back together. Leave the most difficult ones til last, get your sea legs…You have a weird uncle who’s out of work? Let him sleep in your basement. Your perception of privacy is self-defeating, and not nearly as precious as your relationships must be. You have a relative in an old folks’ home? How hard would it be to visit them? Call them? Just how hard is it for you to be a real human being? This shit doesn’t cost you a thing but your time, and no matter how excrutiatingly important you think you are, you have the time for this. You have some cousins, nieces, nephews you haven’t met? Go find them, play Frisbee or chess with them, help them build a kite – kids still do that. Relationships aren’t handed to you, you have to hand craft them over many years. You have to give of your time and attention in many little ways which will add up over the years to real trust, real meaning. If you have a relative who likes books, ask what his or her favorite is – have a conversation. It’s amazingly fun!

If it’s been months or years since you spoke to anyone in your family, do it now, no excuses. They need you, but no more than you need them. Don’t fail to show up for someone’s wedding or funeral, those insults can never be undone. Even if you can’t bear to speak to a single soul there, show up. If you can’t afford a gift, don’t bring one, just be there. If your grandfather’s always hated you, take him fishing anyway – he may decide you’re not that bad after all. Whatever’s wrong with your family, fix it. Keep on fixing it till you die. Just think of your relatives as crazy people you’ve been put in charge of. See that they get something to eat and have a good time, and ignore the insults and complaints which are sure to fly. Just be at peace with yourself, and rejoice in the nearness of other humans who are – admit it – an awfully lot like yourself. In every family there’s one person who makes sure that no one gets left out, that holidays are spent together, one person who orchestrates reunions and picnics and barbeque. If your family seems to be missing such a person, let that be you! You can make yourself the glue holding your family together. End the terror of isolation, and the dread of loneliness, for you and for everyone around you. Be the family you wish you had.

You can’t entirely prevent depression, but helping someone pull out of it can be as simple as taking them to a game of cards every week. That’s one little thing they can look forward to, spend time preparing for, thinking about. It’s one thing the two of you can chat about, laugh about. That’s a few hours a week they think of something besides the peace and release of death. It distracts, for a time, from the hopelessness, and makes it imperative to be “together” for that date. And one day when they’re facing the dark alone, may they think of your embrace, of your humanity, of your love, and realize they aren’t so alone after all. None of us, ultimately, are. We need each other so much, and all the wealth or responsibility or success in the world is nothing if you’re standing at the top of the heap alone.