WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LOSE SOMEONE TO RELIGION

It’s a hard thing to face; that your long-time friend or family member is now under the control of a religious group. Your first instinct may be to argue with them over dogma or doctrine they’ve begun quoting, but that only makes it worse. So how do you know that it’s no use arguing? How do you know they’re – to be frank – not worth arguing with?

1) They state their case in loaded terms unnecessarily. “Trumped up” instead of “false.”
2) They now find murder, even mass slaughter, acceptable and even necessary in certain cases.
3) They refuse to answer direct questions, instead answering with repetitions of memorized phrases. This will escalate into personal insults pretty quickly.
4) No appeal to reason will be considered. They may say they don’t need to think about it; they know.
5) They continually state that you don’t know what you’re talking about, without providing any examples or actual information.
6) Their only source is a sacred text and they feel that is sufficient.
7) They take any disagreement or questioning as a personal insult and affront.
8) They drag previous arguments and past punishments or judgments into the discussion.

The reason you shouldn’t argue with such a person is because it’ll increase your frustration without accomplishing anything. Any reasoning, any facts, any logic you try to use to clear up what seems like a simple failure of thought may brand you as an enemy of their true faith. They’ve been soaking up rote phrases, a feeling of belonging to a group of people they perceive to be like themselves, and the idea that they’re special and on a sacred mission. They’re feeling complete bliss knowing they’ve been chosen by god. They’ve probably been told that people will try to dissuade them and you’ve just become that enemy.

Now what? There are myriad sites full of advice about how to begin deprogramming, but these are of no use until the persons themselves desire to use them. If you try to trick them or slip some facts where they’re sure to see them, they’ll only become further alienated and reject your overtures more forcefully. It’s important to remember that many religious groups will defend these new members with threats and actual violence to prove their commitment and loyalty. It would be unwise to stir up that possibility. If you’re prepared to storm the castle (as it were) and rescue this person, be prepared for reprisals from the group and from the rescuee. They won’t thank you for dragging them away from what they see as the best thing that ever happened to them; in fact the only meaningful thing that’s ever happened to them. They’re getting a religious high, and your actions, to their mind, are pulling them right out of heaven. The resentment can run deep. Because of the possibility that the group may be dangerous, you have to assume the worst and go in with all the manpower and all the legal backing you can get already in place. It’s up to you whether to take this step, but if you’re thinking about it get some expert advice first. It’s not something you can undo if it doesn’t work out.

The one thing you shouldn’t do is make it clear that you’re cutting them out of your life forever. This only reinforces the indoctrination which says the world is against them. Part of the strategy for keeping their convert is for the group to attempt to isolate them from former friends and family. The best strategy may be to ignore the whole thing, avoid talking about any hot-button issues, and remain calm and reasonable throughout. It may still be possible to share meals, just stay away from the news. At some point you will have to decide whether the friendship or family tie is wise or even possible to continue. Sometimes a convert sees their mistake and seeks escape. Should that happen, you’ll want to be the person they’ll turn to. If you decide not to wait it out, make sure the cut is clean and complete. For your own safety, don’t give either the convert or the group any reason to seek reprisal.